Every Protagonist in Everything Should Be a Wheelchair Bound Person of Colour With No Eyebrows

As I listen to “Luka” by Suzanne Vega and sip my vegan chai I wonder whether white, cis men can really appreciate how hard life can be for a transgender, wheelchair bound person of colour with a rare genetic condition that causes their eyebrows to grow in the shape of Bill Clinton’s ballsack.

They don’t even try. Straight white men. What do they know about the struggles of the wheelchair bound people of color with PTSD and no eyebrows and also bipolar and ingrown toenails? Why aren’t we represented? Per capita there are 5 of us and YET WE AREN’T PROTECTED IN COMPLICATED LAWS THAT TAKE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AND MANPOWER THAT COULD BE USED FOR OTHER THINGS LIKE ELIMINATING POVERTY INSTEAD OF CATERING TO OUR EGOS – what an injustice this is.

What an injustice that the transgender, bipolar, eyebrow-less, people of colour, wheelchair bound, ptsd riddled, genuphobic community is not represented by mainstream cinema when there is a whole 14 of us in the entire USA

It doesn’t matter that it would be a total statistical anomaly for one of our community to be the protagonist of an action film or horror movie (unless that horror movie is about THE PATRIARCHY AMIRITE?!) or that Thor was not a coloured woman and that by changing his gender you’re throwing away thousands of years of history WE SHOULD BE REPRESENTED. I for one want to see an action movie about a transgender, POC who is wheelchair bound, has no eyebrows, is genuphobic, is ptsd afflicted and suffers from ESPD (Extreme Spontaneous Profanity Disorder) who spends the first half an hour of the film trying to navigate their wheelchair up a flight of stairs because the power is out and then sues the terrorists for not catering for zirs in wheelchairs and wins a landmark battle against the patriarchy but then cries a lot BECAUSE I’M ADULTING AND IT IS HARD.

That will show the cisgender scum that walk around and sip water like the privileged nazis they are wearing suits made by children in cambodia and using their iphones made by chinese children with no fingernails so they make phones faster. Speaking of which, my iphone should have a default voice for Siri that IS NOT ON THE GENDER BINARY. My choices are male or female? Disgusting. Siri should speak in a gender neutral voice that sounds like someone screaming “GET YOUR HATE SPEECH OFF OUR CAMPUS” and waving their flab around because it has accepted its extreme eating disorder is normal and healthy while it struggles to climb three stairs.

But back to the point. Every protagonist in everything should be whatever I say it is because everything should relate to me and no one else. I am the only important person in the world despite talking for my “community” in a thinly veiled attempt at masquerading as a social justice progressive who wants true equality in the world by dismissing straight, white people as completely unimportant despite being the majority of the population of the country I live in.

Now, pardon me while I write a blog about how I was triggered by the self service checkout asking if I want a receipt. THAT IS RECEIPT RAPE AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT.

Harry Potter and the Polo Shirt from Kmart

Want to know something shocking?

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I buy all of my clothes at Kmart. Once you’ve picked your jaw up off the floor and had painful reconstructive surgery to get your bones back into position let me explain my motivation here.
Have you ever actually thought about the quality of the clothes you wear and how often you wear what you own? I can tell you, I cycle my clothes normally one day a week. As in I wear a certain combination of clothes one day a week then the next day is another combination and so on until laundry day where I am left with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pyjamas to go shopping in. I bought a polo shirt from Kmart for $15 and it’s a nice shirt. How often do you wear that nice Ralph Lauren polo shirt that cost you $98 that you bought on a whim with your tax refund? Probably never because it cost you $98.
So sure, my clothes are cheap, but I get more value out of them than you will ever get out of that ludicrously priced polo shirt that would pay several bills and leave me with change to pay two hobos to headbutt each other.

Did you know that that polo shirt I used as an example from Ralph Lauren and my Kmart polo actually have something in common? I mean, apart from being a shirt? They are both made in Bangladesh. All of that jargon that they throw into the description really doesn’t mean anything. How often do you walk around bragging about the cotton content of your shirts? If you did that people would stuff chilli peppers into your eyes until you fell down into the fetal position screaming about how Pima cotton is superior to regular cotton. It’s like when a candy bar advertises it uses brown sugar instead of refined sugar. Who gives a shit? You just want to eat that candy bar.

The point I am trying to make is that no matter how exclusive you think you are, how well off you want to project yourself or how ashamed you want people to feel about shopping at Kmart and Target all you’re doing is affirming that you’re dumb enough to fall for marketing tricks. You’re a slave. We’re all under the thumb of capitalism, it’s part and parcel of living in this world. It’s miserable, but that’s a story for another day.
Back to the fact that you’re a slave. Do you actually think that people are impressed by your rolex or your 2017 concept car that you bought from some eccentric billionaire living in a bunker in Sweden with jars full of toenails? No one cares enough about you to give a shit about what you have and generally what you do.

“But…but, I’m worth a million dollars!” You shriek over the thumping bass of your obnoxious euro beat screeching out of your thousands of dollars worth of Bang and Olufsen crap boxes. “I’m worth more so you should be impressed!” Great, you own money. How does knowing that enrich my life at all? How does you wearing Ralph Lauren shirts make me a better person? You are trained to believe that the more you spend on something, the more people will notice you and flock to you. It’s a common tactic used by people with no personalities to try to attract other people who are so vaccuous they are a walking singularity of pure ignorance.
So you’re a slave who exists only to line the pockets of filthy rich people who view you as nothing more than a pay cheque. Not some loyal devotee of the brand that they would bend over backwards for. They wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire.

So how does my shopping at Kmart make me less of a slave than these people? Because I am making the choice to buy the same thing they are, just at such a drastically reduced price. If I have to play this capitalist game I want to do it in a way that minimises the profits of these bloated ticks as much as possible. It’s the same shirt, made in the same place and probably the same factory just I’m not paying $98 for it. You’d probably call it cheap and that I don’t have any standards. I would argue that you simply took the wrong pill and ended up in a fantasy world where you believe people actually give a shit about the exact cotton content of your t-shirt.

  • Andrew

YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I STARTED MY OWN CLICKBAIT WEBSITE!

So, I didn’t actually start a clickbait website. Shocking, isn’t it? Anyway, this is how a lot of sites like Buzzfeed and Upworthy get their delicious click money. You didn’t think their CEO’s drive around in expensive cars because of sound and ethical practices? No, they are filthy rich from luring people into reading about Mac and Cheese bites from McDonalds to baking your face which *SPOILER ALERT* isn’t sticking your face in an oven until you resemble Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs. For the purpose of this article I actually watched the video on the “face baking” page and it’s literally just 4 minutes of women putting on make up. Now, for those “in the know” it apparently refers to a specific make up technique that helps make up stay on longer or some shit, I don’t care. However, how many people would know this? It’s clearly an attempt at making a ridiculous sounding link to get people to click on it. I just know that there were hundreds of people sitting with a skeptical look on their face, feet bound in duct tape because they don’t trust shoes, thinking to themselves, “now surely they can’t really be proposing we put our face in the oven?” and then clicking on the link.

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42 REASONS THESE LINKS ARE PURE BULLSHIT

What makes clickbait more insidious to me than just being a glorified middle finger when you click on it is how self aware it is. To give you an example I was reading an article and noticed an ad for an article called something like “10 Space Facts” – now, I absolutely love space and this piqued my interest. It didn’t sound particularly clickbait like and I am always open to learning new things so I thought I would give it a go. That was until I found myself staring at something that makes my stomach drop every time I see it: multiple page articles. You know, you have to click on a “NEXT” link to read the next sentence. It’s a ploy that clickbait manufacturers employ in order to maximise their clicks and ad revenue. The more times you click through to the ad of for Justin Bieber armpit scented cologne the more money the content creator makes. The reason I say this is self aware is because they know what they’re doing. This isn’t some kind of radical attempt at making a new content delivery system where the intention is to keep you on the edge of your seat, no, it’s about money and the way they flood the pages with ads means they know what they’re doing and they’re unashamed.

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Just enter all your personal details and let us install a keylogger on your PC and you’re good to go.

So, I got to thinking. How hard would it be to make my own clickbait website? I mean, the business model has already been tried and tested. You just need an angle. What would mine be? Well, first we need to get started with a name:

Here were the finalists for the name:

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We make money off you and that’s basically it

So, with this one I said to myself, “why not just be honest?” and came up with Ad Revenue Machine. The way I see it, people who are willing to click on YOU MIGHT BE CLEANING YOUR PENIS WRONG are probably willing to overlook the name of the site it is hosted on. I mean, how hard is it to clean your penis? What are you a 4 year old and you’re using the internet for hygiene tips? I think you’ve got bigger problems than a filthy cock.

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Things are occurring and we’re here to tell you about some of them

With “What’sHappening” I wondered about what would actually comprise a clickbait website name. Buzzfeed, on top of sounding like it was invented by a marketing guru from the early 90’s, is a stupid name. However, it is effective in that it incorporates “buzz” to inform of its relevant nature and “feed” in that it provides a neverending conveyer belt of muconeum to feed you. Don’t google muconeum by the way. Anyway, I just took the name of a sitcom from the 70’s and turned it into a website name. I need to get used to recycling old, outdated and stale material and thought this would be a good situation to practice.

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We grow on you like a tumor

I personally feel like LumpyHairyGrowth.com could be a breakout hit. I mean, it combines the appeal of the cancer that is clickbait with the kind of attractive name that you’d find listed in a clickbait article named something like 10 WORST DISEASES YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAVE RIGHT NOW CLICK ON THIS OR YOUR CLITORIS WILL FALL OFF.

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Experience the pain of childbirth but through the male urethra

I don’t know about this one. I just kind of threw to words together that vaguely rhyme.

So we have our finalists. I like them all equally but I decided to go with What’sHappening because it at least sounds similar to the other sites like Buzzfeed and Upworthy.

What now? Well, now I needed to come up with some clickbait worthy articles. Here’s the shortlist:

  • THIS MAN THOUGHT HE WOULD NEVER STOP UNCONTROLLABLY URINATING…UNTIL THIS AMAZING THING HAPPENED!
  • 10 REASONS GETTING PUNCHED BY A HOMELESS MAN NEEDS TO BE
    PART OF YOUR DAY!
  • WHAT KIND OF CARROT ARE YOU?
  • REMEMBER NINTENDOS AND SEEGAS? YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS HIDDEN IMAGE
    FOUND INSIDE OLD GAMES!

That was a good start. However, something was missing. I needed some kind of video content as well. You know, it’s not a clickbait website unless you feature thumbnails of scantily clad women doing push ups and call the video WHAT SHE DOES WILL BLOW YOUR MIND…AND YOUR ERECT PENIS!
However, because I don’t have a team yet I’ll just steal video content and say it’s original because that’s what Buzzfeed does all of the time anyway.

There we go. Nice. Stolen content…I mean, uh, original content. Lots of clickbait articles with ridiculous headlines, a nebulous and vaguely industry sounding name. I think we’re onto a winner here folks.

There we go. Now, I have my own clickbait website. All I need to do is sit back and wait for the ad revenue to fall into my lap while I slap my secretary because she brought me the wrong coffee. Life has never been sweeter for the worst kind of capitalist imaginable.

  • Andrew

“Please, cough on me, I want to get sick.”

I like to imagine that people who have children have their shit together. I mean, generally. I know some people don’t intend on having children and it just kind of happens. I mean pee pee go in vagoo and out comes a child or two. That exhausts my knowledge of reproductive science but it’s elementary and it’s strange how some people don’t seem to notice this. These are the people who sit with their friends over a steaming bowl of corn and asparagus chowder and a tall cappucino and shriek “JONATHAN WAS AN ACCIDENT! A STRAIGHT UP MISTAKE!” like they didn’t realise having unprotected sex might lead to you becoming pregnant.

However, this post isn’t about them. It’s about the people with their shit together. They’ve planned for this, they’ve read the books and bought the car seat fourteen years in advance and have so many sets of romper suits they could knit a parachute and jump out of a cessna onto a bullseye 14 centimetres wide. No lamaze class is safe, no conversation with their friends can end without the inevitable boast about how they’ve childproofed the house so well that they themselves cannot get into the jam jars. Yes, these people are ready to be parents.

So, fast forward a couple of years later. They decide to take little Timmy shopping. With their rucksack full of books and spare clothes, they make the daunting trip out into the big wide world. Timmy, meanwhile has vomited six times and is in the process of taking off his seat belt to play with the button of the door that he saw makes the window move up and down. After wrestling Timmy back into his seat and finally arriving at the shopping center the inevitable happens. Timmy is hungry. Actually they are too, so it’s time to head up to the food court.

Now, before you begin writing me angry emails, this isn’t about screaming kids in public places. Any idiot knows sometimes kids just can’t be controlled and they scream like they’re an alarm in Buckingham Palace and a guy just broke the window looking for the fabled lost jewels of Windsor. No, this is about kids coughing.

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“Prepare to be covered in my spittle mother”

There seems to be this perfect age range from about 3 to 6 where kids just cough for no reason. I have seen it time and time again. They could be perfectly fine, running around slamming their power ranger into the dogs face and suddenly they’ll just stop dead in their tracks and let out this horrible wet, scraping sound. It’s like someone is dragging rusted metal across an equally rusty floor and it comes in short bursts and then they go back to flying around the room like a methed up baby goat.

This was something I observed today and it takes us back to little Timmy. So, there he is with his parent. Let’s say the parent is wearing his rucksack full of kid safe goodies and a kevlar vest because he’s seen way too many episodes of A Current Affair to trust those teenagers at the next table. This guy looks ready for anything and he is doting on Timmy. He looks like a great dad, really attentive. It was a nice sight. Suddenly Timmy just lets out this horrible cough. That scraping sound I described earlier. That wet, gurgling rasp that echoes through your rib cage if you’re standing less than 10 metres away.
So, instead of saying, “Hey, buddy cover your mouth when you cough” or something the dad just kind of sits there looking at his kid and that’s it. I mean, I am not trying to pick on the dad’s parenting skills or anything but according to Jane Kostelc, a child-development specialist, “the more encouragement you show, the sooner he’s likely to accomplish these skills.” That’s all the dad needs to do. This kid looked to be about 3 years old. By 3, according to Kostelc, a child should be able to put on shoes and put dishes in the sink. I think asking them to cover their mouth when they cough isn’t a big stretch from those tasks.

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This is either a kid coughing or auditioning for the kindergarten production of The Godfather.

I don’t think I should need to explain why it’s a good idea to cover your mouth when you cough but here I go anyway. The CDC in the United States wrote an entire article on why you should cover your mouth when you cough or nose when you sneeze. Basically the gist of it is, do this and you won’t spread diseases and viruses. It’s pretty simple. However, always prepared dad doesn’t seem to be too bothered by this fact. I mean, one of the most basic tenets of personal hygiene and people seem to be averse to teaching it to their children. I was brought up to fastidiously cover my mouth when I coughed. It was just polite amongst the other admirable notion of not giving someone the fucking flu if you have it.

So over and over I see this. Every time I leave the house to go on a quest for lettuce or taco shells or something. Kids in chairs, kids in shopping trolleys, free-range kids. Whatever form they come in. I hear that same, uncovered wet, rasping expulsion from somewhere.
So please, if you have kids and you’ve read all the books and done all the classes, don’t forget the important fact that if your kid doesn’t cover their mouth when they cough you might just end up wearing a nice little cold.

  • Andrew